During the Pandemic, I turned 40 years old and despite another lockdown birthday, it was the nicest birthday I’ve had yet. I got lots of video messages from friends and family and spent the weekend with my little family celebrating in our little bubble. When the kids finally came down from the birthday cake sugar high and I sipped on a lovely whiskey gift and spent some time reflecting and feeling grateful. It made me think of where I am and how I got here and what pieces of advice helped me along the way.
So here are 40 pieces of advice nobody asked for.
1) Your mind is like computer software – you can upgrade it at any time. If you grew up in the
70’s, 80’s or 90’s there’s a good chance you were surrounded by some toxic environments
which taught you unhelpful habits. You can unlearn them if they don’t serve the world or your best
interests.
2) Be careful how you speak to yourself because your brain will believe it. Many of us would
never dare to speak to someone the way we speak to ourselves. For years I had a damaging
negative internal dialogue that was affecting my confidence and mental health. It took me
years to learn to speak to myself more kindly and any time I catch my inner critic giving me
hassle I acknowledge it as feedback and move on.
3) Let go of any shame you picked up when you were a kid. You didn’t deserve it then and you
don’t deserve it now.
4) You are the product of the people you spend the most time with. We’re social animals and we’re like sponges and we soak it all up. Try to add positive people to that circle and you’ll soak that up too.
5) Your perspective will create your reality. Sometimes things are out of your control but you can control how you see them and this can make the difference between your happiness and your mental health.
6) Writing is a skill that will always benefit you no matter where you go. Job applications,
emails, letters to friends, letters to your kids, articles, loan applications.
7) The mind can be a noisy chaotic place. Getting a sheet of paper and writing down those busy
thoughts will give you clarity and quieten your mind. Similarly, writing down your problems will diminish them in size. If you can name them you can claim them and you’re back in charge.
8) Don’t sweat the little things and in the grand scheme of things, they’re all little things.
9) ‘The body needs movement and the mind needs silence’. Find some exercise that you like
and build it into your day.
10) Similarly, meditate every day. It’s not just a nice serene feeling you’re building resilient
neuropathways that will serve you in times of stress.
11) Get sunshine on your face every morning. It’ll tell your body that it’s morning and set your
clock for the day and you’ll sleep better that night.
12) Own your feelings, no matter how uncomfortable they might feel. Your mind is trying to give
you a message so don’t run from them. Try to resist distracting yourself with your phone, TV,
alcohol or work. If you’re angry, lonely, sad, frustrated, or heartbroken then sit with the feeling, acknowledge the message and let it pass.
13) Take responsibility for everything that matters to you. It’s really empowering when you own
the important things and not make excuses for where you are and what you have.
14) Take responsibility for your health: your body and mind can be subversive and they’ll always
find an excuse not to exercise.
15) Take responsibility for your career. If you don’t take the wheel you’re letting someone else
drive your career.
16) Take responsibility for your food. You really are what you eat. You can be a carrot or a sausage.
17) Take responsibility for your relationships. Don’t leave it up to the other person to make an
effort or to make the first move to communicate or to be the first to apologise or be vulnerable.
18) Take responsibility for your rest. We seem to wear exhaustion like a badge of honour – both
internally and externally. The world will demand you keep working but it’s up to you to make time for rest. Your body might get over tiredness but your brain is more sensitive to exhaustion than previously believed.
19) As comforting as it would have been, I’ve never believed that ‘things happen for a reason.’ I
believe you make your own luck with your actions and habits and that ‘Luck is opportunity meets preparation.’ I’ve always felt that I was incredibly lucky in relationships, career and music but looking back I can see it was the work I put into relationships demonstrating that I was talented or open to learning or that I was reliable and easy to work with. These relationships opened opportunities and I was prepared.
20) Don’t let a bad yesterday ruin a good today. If you’ve had a nasty encounter or a conflict and it’s hanging over you like a dark cloud ask yourself is it worth ruining the rest of your day. I don’t know how many times I’ve found myself having an imaginary argument in my head
living out imaginary conflicts before realising I can just stop and think about something else. It’s a much more pleasant existence letting go of things and moving on.
21) Don’t give yourself the excuse of ‘I don’t have time’. Everyone has the same 24 hours they just use it in different ways. If something’s important to you then make time for it, not excuses.
22) Listen to music every day, it’s good for the soul. Create a soundtrack to your life and you’ll feel like the hero of your own movie.
23) Take pride in your work but don’t be too proud to be wrong sometimes.
24) Keep friendships alive with contact. You have to grease the wheels of friendship with contact. Reach out, send a text, write an email and meet up in person. And don’t be embarrassed for reaching out. Women are much better at this.
25) Systematic prejudice and biases exist. Sometimes it’s obvious and sometimes it’s very subtle but there are systematic invisible barriers and challenges impeding people’s progression in life. Be open to learning about these challenges, be empathetic and be open to helping. If you’re a white straight male the odds are you’ve had it a lot easier than most. (Extra points if you’re from Cork.) The word ‘privilege’ is now emotionally charged so I’ll avoid it but if you’re in an advanced position have a look around and question why and help out.
26) You make your habits and your habits make you. These subtle little fellas can be the difference between success and failure. Have a look at your day and see which habits work for you and which ones you should cut loose.
27) Stay intellectually curious and seek out information. It’ll keep your brain alive, build your confidence and self-esteem.
28) Surround yourself with smart people. If you’re the smartest person in the room then you’re in the wrong room.
29) Be present. Try to ignore distractions in your phone or in your mind and be present in the moment.
30) Genuinely listen to people when they’re talking. Being a good listener is a gift you can give to
someone who needs to talk. And wait until they’re finished instead of wanting to jump in with the great thing you want to say.
31) Having kids is the greatest test of patience you’ll ever have. It’ll serve you to regulate your
emotions or otherwise you’ll unload them on your kids and it’s not their fault.
32) You’re not raising the people they are now, you’re raising the people they’ll become. So be aware of what habits and coping skills you’re teaching them. If you’re flying off the handle and losing it you’re teaching them that’s how they’re supposed to handle things. It’s never easy but there are a few tricks that have helped me:
33) Share your adult calm, not join your kids’ chaos.
34) Treat your kid’s tantrum with empathy. They’re frustrated and angry and can’t communicate
or ask for help and a tantrum is as unpleasant for them as it is for you. Don’t hold it against
them. Treat a tantrum like they’ve fallen and hurt themselves and help them through it.
35) When you have kids and are completely sleep-deprived make time for naps. They use sleep deprivation as torture for a reason.
36) In trying times look for things to be grateful for. There’ve been times at 3am when I’ve found myself walking up and down the hall trying to get my kid to sleep. And instead of indulging in the perceived ‘injustice’, I tried to be grateful I’m not walking up and down the halls of a hospital.
37) Turn up to events occasions. When I was younger with much lower self-esteem I didn’t think
my presence would add anything and I quickly found out showing up actually means a lot to
people. Your presence at a party, table-quiz, gig, open mic, art gallery installation or a funeral could mean the world to someone.
38) Life can be tricky and conflict is inevitable and handling that conflict in a calm manner is a valuable skill. Anger for the most part is hugely unhelpful. I can’t think of a single instance where I got angry and the situation was better as a result. Conversely, when I’ve kept my head and stayed calm it’s helped the situation and my mental health. And I felt a bit cooler like Bruce Willis walking away from an explosion.
39) Having a vice can be great and everyone wants a break from reality and an outlet to let off
some steam. Just make sure your vices are working for you and not the other way around. It’s worth checking in to see if it’s an outlet or a crutch. If the relationship isn’t working out with the vice then break up with them.
40) Try to fit in a hearty laugh every day. Watch or read something funny and indulge in a good belly laugh. Life is far too serious and, in the immortal words of The Frank and Walters,
“You deserve to be happy”.
ciancorbett 